Today I felt like a horrible parent. And I can't believe the despair, the hollowness, and the guilt I felt. Owen's calmed down now; he's down for the night (let's keep our fingers crossed), and now I'm able to process all of the day.
As an 'attachment' centered parent, it's really hard to get my needs met, especially on days like today where Owen needed all of my attention all day, and refused to nap, and refused to eat. I wanted to scream, but instead burst into tears three times, and was mean. I was so...mean to him. I can't call it anything but that. And the worst part is that he didn't even notice. Colleen came in and rescued me, and while she was holding him, and I was crying, he leaned out to give me a kiss. He didn't even get the total meanness I was directing at him in my frustration. It's a blessing that he didn't, OMG it is...but that kiss made me feel 100x more guilty.
Ugh. I know all parents have been here; I know we all feel this way sometimes, and the thing is to ask for help. I know all this...and yet I still feel like a horrible person. Because that sweet little baby isn't meaning to be so high-mantainance. He's just being him.
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| How can you be frustrated with this face??! |
He's such a doll, Brandy. Sigh. I can totally relate. There have been plenty of times that I've been "mean" to Cohen. Of course children are resilient and they love us so much regardless of our bad days. But to be completely honestly, I've been struggling with how much of a daddy's boy Cohen is. Sometimes I think that I craved my own space and time so much that I pushed him away. :(
ReplyDeleteAww, Anna Lisa...I think they move in waves. Sometimes I get so distraught because all Owen wants is Colleen, or Brant...and I think he'll never be a mama's boy. Then he gets his big smile just for me, and I know it's not only that I'm his source of food. But it goes and comes, comes and goes...and it sucks. I understand your sadness, and fear.
ReplyDeleteLove to you.