If anyone is breastfeeding, for the first or third time, I really REALLY suggest "Ina May's Guide to Breastfeeding." This is a rich source not just about breastfeeding, but about beginning your life with your baby. I suggest it to seasoned parents too because it reexamines wide-held beliefs about parenting and breastfeeding in particular.
Bumper Cover: my current favorite
I love Dr. Sear's "The Baby Book." I absolutely adore it. While it is more mainstream than other approaches, I really am in full support of the attachment parenting model he proposes.
It scares me, though, realizing how devoted I'll need to be. How present. It's not about having baby sleep, and me settling him into the bassinet (later the crib), and doing my own thing. It's not about me breastfeeding, and supplementing with formula. It's about me being with/wearing/breastfeeding baby ALL OF THE TIME. It's completely immersive. To the point that my going back to work will be with the baby, and if I can't have him there, then I can't work as much. And I think it's important that we do it this way.
When Brant and I were reading and talking, I had this realization that I am the primary caregiver. That in the beginning, at least, my bond with our son must be of primary importance, so we can properly attach, so I can read his cues. I suddenly felt a little...alone. Like I have more of a responsibility to parent this child than he does, at least to begin with. Brant must be there to bond in his own way, and to support me and my needs, but that I still hold the bulk of the responsibility...from pregnancy, to giving birth, to breastfeeding this little one.
I know it'll be okay. It'll be wonderful. It's just a little...overwhelming.
Secondly, I'm worried about some (not all!) of my friends and family, and how they'll react/respond to my parenting choices. One main criticism of attachment parenting is that others more 'traditionally' raised feel like attachment parents are spoiling their child. I definitely have some friends/family in this paradigm, who I am afraid will try to make me parent differently. Or gossip about it to my other friends/family...about how I'm coddling my son. And this really bothers me.
I've always been sensitive to criticism of my beliefs, and I've always believed things that are not...the norm for my family, or many of my friends. But if people start questioning my parenting, behind my back, I'll be devastated. And if they start questioning it to my face, I don't know how I'll respond. Seriously.
One thing I love that Dr. Sears mentions in "The Baby Book," is that Brant's role during the first month is to be the gatekeeper. He suggests that Brant filter any well-wishing but ill-timed advice from guests that may oppose my parenting philosophy, if it's upsetting me. Dr. Sears even suggests Brant filter guests completely, so that I don't have challenging visitors at first!
I think it's important for me to state that I know people have the best of intentions, that there is only love and the desire to share helpful advice. And I don't want ANYONE to walk away from this post thinking that they shouldn't offer up advice. I welcome it, truly (I am only hoping that if we have different parenting philosophies, that you will respect my choice, and maybe time your advice appropriately (eg: not just after or during labor, lol!) ).
I appreciate each and every one of you who choose to help me through this wonderful, difficult time. I feel part of a very special group of mothers, grandmothers, sisters, brothers, fathers, each of whom have walked down this same initiatory path. I know you're waiting for me on the other side.
Ummm since I have like a million kids I will definitely be telling you how to raise that baby lol kidding...I will probably not agree with everything but I will definitely not be here to judge you cause I just want to love that baby!!! I actually probably wont offer too much advice but more support and a listening ear and a babysitter lol I love ya Branmuffin and I know you will be a great mom and Brant a great dad!! Love Melena
ReplyDeleteI appreciate that, Melena!!! That's the thing~nobody will agree with 100% of what anyone else does~and it's our job to say something if something's 'not right,' and we feel it may hurt someone else. So don't worry!! And, as a day care woman, I *know* you'll have some good advice! Love you too!
ReplyDeleteI am just beginning to read "spiritual midwifery" by Ina May and I love it. Can't wait to pick up the breastfeeding book too. I have been reading Dr. Sears Pregnancy book (along with a few others at the beginning) and it's the one I appreciate the most. I picked up his First Years book at Goodwill a few months ago because I thought it would probably be just as good. Glad to know you love it. I was reading through some of it this weekend at a local bookstore and can't wait to really dive in.
ReplyDeleteI think the unknown is totally overwhelming, added with the responsibility of being babies primary food source. From pregnancy to breast feeding it's self sacrifice like I've never thought possible.
Dr. Sears does warn you that part of attachment parenting is taking care of yourself as well. So remember that even though you might feel you SHOULD carry him around all the time, you CAN let him take a nap on his own if you need time to take care of your own needs. Sears talks about how much better a child does if the parents take care of themselves as well.
That said...you will develop strong instincts that will allow you to hear advice without being ruffled to much. The advice comes from a place of love and care from others and you will know what is write for your little boy. He is yours and Brants and that means he will be unique to your family and the decisions you make. Every parenting book should have one page on the inside that just reads "it depends".