Successful Appointment & Self-Image Woes

It's funny, every time I sit down to write a blog entry, my mind goes entirely blank. I have all this stuff to share, to mull over, to write about, and then it just...dissipates. Disappointing.

I guess I'll try to recreate, once again.

I've been having significant challenges with pregnancy lately. I keep comparing myself with other pregnant ladies who are more active and more in shape than I am. I keep listening to current mothers who tell me their tales of working full time until they went into labor, of feeling the best they've felt in their entire lives, and it's challenging. My experience has not been like that.

I ache. I get a medical pregnancy massage weekly--not just because I can--because I need to. I've had to leave work early multiple times because I'm too sore to be on the floor and help customers. Last week I pulled some sort of muscle when I went bowling. Bowling. While others are playing baseball, walking & biking, swimming, and active, I had to sit out two turns because bowling was too much. I groan in my sleep every night, each time I have to flip over, because my body protests.

I'm still dealing with breakouts. I'm sweating more than I've ever sweated~including when I used to dance. I have crazy love handles on my sides, and it's a challenge to walk to the bus stop without being winded.

I am not glamourous. And it's hard. I always had an image in my head of if/when I got pregnant, that I'd want to be that perfect preggo woman who posed nude in magazines, perfectly tanned and doing yoga asanas. Silly, I know, but it was devastating when that wasn't the case.

I am grateful, though. I am so fortunate that I don't yet have stretch marks. Most of my breakouts are confined to my shoulders and back, so there's not a ton on my face. I'm not swelling. My face looks the same as ever~no extra weight there. People tell me I look beautiful. I smile at my preggo belly. I have a lot to be so thankful for, and I am.

It's just that the other side of the coin sometimes shows up out of the blue, and it is *so hard* to deal with when it comes. Especially when I have seasoned parents imparting well-intentioned but badly timed wisdom that really just terrifies me rather than is helpful.

In other news:

I only today realized how much last month's midwife appointment got to me, and how horrible I've felt since then. It came to me when I was preparing for today's appointment, and I was freaking out about being weighed. I didn't want to know how much I'd gained. And when we went in, I was super-nervous because they told me the same student was still on her rotation and asked if I was okay with her being there again. I was proud of myself though, because I said 'yes, that's fine, but I'd like Karen to be there too. Last appointment she wasn't there, and I have questions specific for her.'

I'm so glad the student was still there, because it helped me work through the challenges and fears I'd built up from the last appointment. Instead of avoiding her, I got to face her and have a positive interaction, which really helped heal last month's wounds. Baby is measuring at EXACTLY where he should be; not a week ahead or a week behind. I've gained 0 lbs from my last appointment, which is great because I don't need to gain more just yet. My blood pressure is nice and low, and baby's heart beat is 142 bpm.

The other 'highlight' of the appointment was that this was my week to get screened for gestational diabetes. So, I had to avoid any food/drink/gum besides water for an hour before the appointment, then go in and drink a sugary drink and 1 hour later have them draw blood to see how I metabolize the glucose. I got to choose between orange and lemon-lime, and I chose the lemon-lime because it was clear, so at least there wasn't any artificial coloring in it. I do have to say, though, it tasted HORRIBLE. It was literally like drinking a concentrate or syrup of Sprite or 7 Up without any water added to it, and I believe it was 16 oz. Disgusting. And afterwards I was wired on all the sugar, so much so that the first part of the regular appointment was super-embarassing because I was acting all cracked-out. And I was especially annoyed/worried about how baby was doing with all the sugar, because he started jumping around like crazy. Poor baby. But he's super strong, and totally fine, I know it.

And finally, we've been wracking up amazing stuff from our loved ones for baby. We're super grateful, and some time soon (I promise!) I'll get around to posting highlight pics. Our family has so far given us some great baby clothes, which is such a relief that we won't have to buy so much! We're really happy, so thanks to everyone. Thanks also to everyone for being so understanding about our ethics (environmental, corporate-related, and organic-lifestyle) when it comes to this. I know not everyone believes what we believe, but it really means a lot to us that y'all care enough about us to trust that we're doing right by our beliefs.

So, until next time...